Bloodline

I don't know if it's my culture, whether it's plain old fashioned thinking, or whether it's a 'quirk' within certain people, but it seems that unless you share the same blood, you are not family. Being adopted from one side never seemed to fall into the category of being adopted. I never considered myself as an adopted child. I did however feel the disconnect between my step father's family and myself. I may have been a child, but children know more that you may think.

Recently, with the wedding planning, this fact has hit further close to home. It has become apparent that my marriage is not a priority to the step-paternal side of the family. It seems everything from money to health to school to plain bad timing has caused everyone from my step- grandmother to my step- aunt to have a reason to miss out unless my dad (step) can cough up the cash for the ticket or the hotel or the something or other. The fact that it's my wedding seems to have fallen to the way side. It's been said before (children hear/ pick up on more than you think)... I am not a true [insert last name here]; I don't carry the blood. I'm just a casualty of someone's past life.

It's funny how major life events bring out the truth in a lot of people. You find out who really cares and who really doesn't. Unfortunately, from my side, it has been more a function of finding out I really don't matter. For a while, and when it concerned my so- called friends, I partially blamed myself and my apparent inability to maintain a friendship... but in light of recent developments regarding my supposed 'family', I'm not sure where the blame lies?

Burden... yes, burden was the right word it seems.

A burden?

When my mother met my step-father, he began to stay over our house and spend a lot of time with us. I guess this is expected of a new boyfriend. He was and still is a great guy, and spent all kinds of time with me.

On an aside, I remember when me and my mom once went to pick him up from his apartment, we needed to take the elevator up. I went in, thinking my mom was behind me. I don't know where she was. I ended up in the elevator alone going up to who knows where. All I remember is thinking this is it. I will never see my mom again. I don't know why I was so irrational. Little things always translated into the end... no middle, just the end.

Anyways, back to my original thought. I can't help but think what a burden I must have been. Here my mom has met a wonderful new man, and she's got to break the news that I am her daughter. Even further, I was just always around. I know they must not have actually thought 'wow, she is a burden', but I know. Know. that at some point it was wished that I wasn't born or around. How much easier it would have made life for them. That makes me sad.