Religion

I am a very proud atheist. Truly, it was never something I needed to think about. The man in the sky thing just never sat well with me after the age in which is was obvious Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy were myths. In my head, it is no different.

I have no doubt that Jesus Christ, the Prophet Mohammed, Buddha, etc. etc. etc. did exist. I am sure they were spiritual men who once lived on this earth. And were very good at giving people hope, faith, something to believe in. And thus people looked up to them. And so is the onset of religion.

My entire family are skeptics. This is not to say they don't perform religious activities (Hindu by birth) and do the 'proper' things at the specific times of year. But yet, they question lots of beliefs. Still celebrate other holidays. Eat meat. Drink. etc. etc. And then there's members, such as my maternal grandfather and my mother's brother who are not Hindu or Atheist. Rather they have converted to Scientology. They are both highly revered in their respective professions, both in the medical field. But they read a bit on L. Rob Hubbard, and believed. I've also read the books. To be honest, he's easier to swallow than some of the religious things I've heard. Oh, and did I mention, my grandmother (also a doctor) wrote and published a book DISPROVING the existance of God. It was very convincing I tell you. Once it's published in English, I will post a link here.

Don't get me wrong, I am not talking ignorantly. I was in a heavily Republican, heavily Christian school for 7 years. Seven years. This experience alone taught me the dark side of religion. The guilt, the fear. The fear, my god the fear. Why, why why choose to be a part of something that makes you live in fear.

This is something my husband and I have spoken extensively about. M grew up in a very very conservative and religious family. But the religion was very fear driven. He admits it himself. Religion is obviously a big topic for a husband and wife, especially when it comes to children. I have absolutely no problem with my children learning religion, as long as it's fact based, and aspects of guilt and fear are not brought into it. My husband learned religion based on fear. This lead to many insecurities and sometimes irrational fears in his childhood and teens, and even some still carrying over to today. He has loudly expressed he does not want his children to deal with this stress. Which are my thoughts exactly. He has agreed that us, and only us, will talk with our children about religion. About all religions. At Christmas time, they will learn the significance of Christmas, before that of Hanukah. Ash Wednesday and Passover will be explained, as well as Diwali and Holi. But that is it, explained. The children will be left to make their own decision on religion, and we will support them either way. We will ensure they are well educated on different ways of life (including not adopting any religion) and will be there for them through whichever walk they choose.

Depression

After some heart to heart discussions (over multiple drinks) with a good friend, she confessed to me that she has been on anti-depressants. Here, they are available without a prescription. I've always dabbled with the thought of approaching a doctor for some 'chemical' help with some of my emotions, but never seriously. Knowing someone up close and personal, who has confessed and raved about it has made this thoughts more concrete.

I looked into some information about them. This led me to a series of questionnaires. Apparently, I am clinically depressed. The problem I had with these tests is that, as far as I've gathered in my world view, I think 80% of people would be classified as clinically depressed. I mean... do you ever feel sad or irritable? lost interest in any activities you once enjoyed? feeling of guilt (this may be the fault of my family's tactic of using guilt trips for EVERYTHING)?... do you experience indecisiveness? I mean... if this isn't normal, then yes, there is certainly something wrong with me, and there has been for many many years. But somehow I feel these are normal feelings.

That being said, I know I have (and likely still do) suffered with depression, but haven't sought the proper help. I did see a therapist for a bit. But, never have I ever gone as far as medication.

I was telling another friend of mine in an email about a post secret I saw a few weeks ago. I've searched the web, and regret not saving it-- but I can't find it anywhere. The jist of it was a 30 year old who started taking anti-depressants... and her only regret was not starting earlier. It struck a chord with me.

Racism

Racism has always been a big topic for me. It was something I was faced with for a very long time. Although I was born in my country of origin, I never lived there. I have always been an "outsider" in my country of residency.

I faced it a lot. I have never truly felt like I fit in. In Western countries, I have and will always be a visible minority. Being called a Paki or terrorist with a number of unflattering adjectives attached to it is not fun. Not at all. And it isn't nice. At the same time, even with my own 'kind' I am outcasted. I have been called 'white-washed'... once, at the age of 12, I was asked "why do you sound so white... look in the mirror- you're not white". What do I say to that? Why do I sound the way I do? I don't know...

The nice thing about being in Panama is that I am no longer a visible minority. Many don't seem to understand the relief I have with this. No I didn't neccesarily walk in places in Canada/ US and have everyone turn around a stare... but sometime it was painfully obvious that I was the different one. Here in Panama I may not know the culture or the language, but on the surface, I look like I belong. It's an amazing feeling.

On the outside...

Do you think you could successfully and completely detach yourself from your family?

My family (immediate and extended) is wonderful, they love me a lot, and I feel the same about them. But at the same time, memories of them, conversations with them, and most things associated with them is also a source of misery for me. I don't fit in with my family. They are all very a la brady bunch now, with the suburban lifestyles, 2 children, a house, and PTA meetings. Very different from how I grew up. Somehow I lost my place in the mix.

When I am with my family, I can understand how people get divorces. I love them immensely and think about them all the time. But I just no longer want to be around them. I want to start fresh. Build my own life and my own family (eventually) with M.

It hurts me when I hear about all my cousins getting together, hanging out, talking about prom or dates or parties etc. But I know longer live in NJ/NY. The relationship was lost the day I moved. I made the effort with one cousin, and through him I get to hear about the rest. But that just adds more to my feeling out of place. Like a spy, peaking in and absorbing as much as I can.

What to see: Panama in 2 Days

Let's assume this is some visiting Panama... arriving Day 1 around noon, staying full of Day 2, leaving Day 3 morning.

Day 1:
-Arrive, check in hotel and get rid of baggage, freshen up, change into comfortable clothing
-Grab a cab to the Panama Canal
-Make sure to buy tickets for the entire canal, including the movie and museum, it will cost $8 and is definitely worth it to get the whole experience
-Head over to Casco Viejo for some appetizers and drinks (while it's still daylight, walk along the water, then I recommend Casa Blanca to sit outdoors and vegetate a bit)
-If you're liking the atmosphere of Casco, do dinner at Manolo Caracol (fixed price menu $2o for dinner, something different every night, always delicious) and then some bar hopping (Indigo, Platea, Havana, Relic)
-If you want to check out another area, head over to Calle Uruguay (club district), do dinner at one of the many options there (I like Habibi's, Gauchos, Market), and check out the nightlife there

Day 2:
-Catch the 8:30 ferry (weekdays) or 8:00 ferry (weekends) to Isla Taboga from the Causeway... take in the scenic views, the beautiful beach, the small town feel, and the cheap food and beers
-Head back on the 4:30 PM (weekends) or 3 PM (weekdays) ferry, and get cleaned up etc. as you wish at your hotel
-Head back over to the Causeway for an evening stroll and dinner (can't recommend one place, they're all great! we often head over to Isla Perico and choose something there)
-If you're up for it (which you should be!, last night in Panama afterall) head over to Zona Viva for some drinks and a great vibe