From what I remember, I spent a lot of my time sleeping. I had... have... an uncanny ability to fall asleep anywhere and everywhere under any types of conditions. This probably stems from my time in Atlanta. My mom, newly single, and not employable, picked up a job as a bartender/ waitress. She also decided to go to school, perhaps community college, although I'm not sure. During this time I grew accustomed to sleeping in the back of the car, in the booth at the restaurant, and even outside of the classroom in the hall.
The school I particularily remember. I would sit in the hallway, and my mom and her... friends, presumably... would take turns coming out to check on me. They'd buy me lunch, or was it dinner? in the cafetaria, and I'd sit outside the classroom with a beige tray on my lap. I don't remember the food, although I imagine it not to be dissimilar from hospital food. This again brings me to the thought... what did the women who used to check on me think? Those who walked by me in the hall? Was there pity? Did they find it odd? Did they think my mother was unfit?
Oddly enough, I did have a fear of sleeping alone in my room at night. This lasted me well into my teens, I will admit. More often than not, I would wander to my mother's room, and snuggle in the bed with her. I'm not sure what the fear was, but I remember sitting wide awake in my room, staring at the hallway light bulb, and truly believing it was flashing on and off. I'd scare myself with these visions and sometimes sprint to the other room. It was irrational. I was 4.
Monday, December 29, 2008
Monday, December 15, 2008
Behind the Scenes
Little did I know, outside my perfect little bubble, my world was falling apart.
To be honest, I can't remember my biological father being a huge part of my life. I can't even remember when or even if my parents told me they were getting divorced. My mind refuses to recall many portions of my past... this is one of them. One day I was living with my mom happily... next thing I know, I'm travelling from my house with my mom and her boyfriend and my biological father and his girlfriend's, my mom's 'best' friend, house. I don't even remember finding that weird. Honestly... like I said, I don't remember much about that whole experience.
This will undoubtedly come up again, but sometimes I wonder what people on the outside looking in were thinking. Did they pity our family? Did they even realize what was going on, or were they as oblivious as I feel like I was.
It was around this time, I started getting scared. I had fears that my mother would leave me. If she got out of the car to, let's say pay for gas, and left me there, I'd watch the clock. If one minute passed, I'd start worrying. I've been known to get out of the car and start looking for her. I distinctly remember one day when I was sitting in the living room after going grocery shopping with my mom, and realized that she was nowhere to be found. At all. I freaked out... running around the house, petrified as to where she was. She came in the door 2 minutes later. She reminded me the groceries were in the car, and she had just gone to the garage to grab the last couple of bags. She didn't go anywhere at all. I don't think I've felt fear worse than that to this day.
Much later in life I learned that my biological father had once left me in his car, asleep, while he got drunk in a bar.
To be honest, I can't remember my biological father being a huge part of my life. I can't even remember when or even if my parents told me they were getting divorced. My mind refuses to recall many portions of my past... this is one of them. One day I was living with my mom happily... next thing I know, I'm travelling from my house with my mom and her boyfriend and my biological father and his girlfriend's, my mom's 'best' friend, house. I don't even remember finding that weird. Honestly... like I said, I don't remember much about that whole experience.
This will undoubtedly come up again, but sometimes I wonder what people on the outside looking in were thinking. Did they pity our family? Did they even realize what was going on, or were they as oblivious as I feel like I was.
It was around this time, I started getting scared. I had fears that my mother would leave me. If she got out of the car to, let's say pay for gas, and left me there, I'd watch the clock. If one minute passed, I'd start worrying. I've been known to get out of the car and start looking for her. I distinctly remember one day when I was sitting in the living room after going grocery shopping with my mom, and realized that she was nowhere to be found. At all. I freaked out... running around the house, petrified as to where she was. She came in the door 2 minutes later. She reminded me the groceries were in the car, and she had just gone to the garage to grab the last couple of bags. She didn't go anywhere at all. I don't think I've felt fear worse than that to this day.
Much later in life I learned that my biological father had once left me in his car, asleep, while he got drunk in a bar.
Friday, December 5, 2008
Perfect Life
Everday after montessori, my mom would pick me up and stop by the gas station on the way home, where the nice old lady always had home made brownies for me. Even the fits I used to throw every morning, knowing I wouldn't see my mom all day, weren't all that bad... I enjoyed myself for the most part at the montessori, except when it came to naptime.
It's funny. Today I can sleep anywhere, a plane, the floor, sitting upright... I close my eyes, and I'm asleep. Nothing comes between that. But back then, I just had a problem with naptime. I never fell asleep... ever. I still remember, laying there on the little cots, just watching everyone as they were fast asleep. I never got how they just zonked out like that. God knows what I did, thouht about... what do 4 year olds think about? What could possibly be keeping me up? Nonetheless, I used to watch the second hand crawl on the clock, waiting for naptime to be over.
I had a friend... Kaley, I believe her name was... she lived across the street from me. She had two big sisters, in their teens I believe, who used to watch me from time to time. I remember we used to slide down there stairs in sleeping bags. I think about it now and feel pain, but it never hurt... I have no clue how that has any logic to it, but I truly can't remember it hurting, we had so much fun doing it. Kaley got in trouble a lot, so often times she was in her room, while I was outside with her sisters. It never occured to me why she was in trouble so much... I never got confined to my room, but then again I never really did anytime worthy of such a punishment. I didn't know the meaning of disobediance at that point.
Kaley had massive cathedral ceilings in her living room. Every Christmas, her family would buy a huge Christmas tree. I still remember, the star had to be placed on the top, by literally going upstairs. It beat our regular sized tree any day.
It's funny. Today I can sleep anywhere, a plane, the floor, sitting upright... I close my eyes, and I'm asleep. Nothing comes between that. But back then, I just had a problem with naptime. I never fell asleep... ever. I still remember, laying there on the little cots, just watching everyone as they were fast asleep. I never got how they just zonked out like that. God knows what I did, thouht about... what do 4 year olds think about? What could possibly be keeping me up? Nonetheless, I used to watch the second hand crawl on the clock, waiting for naptime to be over.
I had a friend... Kaley, I believe her name was... she lived across the street from me. She had two big sisters, in their teens I believe, who used to watch me from time to time. I remember we used to slide down there stairs in sleeping bags. I think about it now and feel pain, but it never hurt... I have no clue how that has any logic to it, but I truly can't remember it hurting, we had so much fun doing it. Kaley got in trouble a lot, so often times she was in her room, while I was outside with her sisters. It never occured to me why she was in trouble so much... I never got confined to my room, but then again I never really did anytime worthy of such a punishment. I didn't know the meaning of disobediance at that point.
Kaley had massive cathedral ceilings in her living room. Every Christmas, her family would buy a huge Christmas tree. I still remember, the star had to be placed on the top, by literally going upstairs. It beat our regular sized tree any day.
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Past
I've lived all over the world... literally... to date I've been a resident of 3 different continents, 5 different countries, I can't count the number of cities, and have moved more times than the years I've lived.
Granted, I can't remember the first 3 countries and 2 continents... consisting of India, Singapore, and Holland. I was into North America by the time I was 4. In hindsight, although it was out of my control, I do wish I actually was old enough to remember my experiences. Dutch was one of my first languages. Actually gibberish was my first language... being surrounded by English, Hindi, Marathi, and Dutch at such a small age made it difficult for my young mind to distinguish languages. By the end, whatever I said was a mixture of the 4, and understood by noone. That's what you call diversity... I digress.
Once I moved into America, we first settled into a large neighborhood in Buford, GA. We had a massive house (well at least I think it was... to a 4 year old it was), great neighbors, and I went to this fun little montessori. I still remember the big kids used to come for the afterschool program. In my mind they were so old, thinking such complex thoughts. One little boy always used to tell me how old he was... everyday it went up in multiple of hundreds or even thousands. I thought it was the funniest thing I'd ever heard. Funny, the things your mind chooses to remember.
Granted, I can't remember the first 3 countries and 2 continents... consisting of India, Singapore, and Holland. I was into North America by the time I was 4. In hindsight, although it was out of my control, I do wish I actually was old enough to remember my experiences. Dutch was one of my first languages. Actually gibberish was my first language... being surrounded by English, Hindi, Marathi, and Dutch at such a small age made it difficult for my young mind to distinguish languages. By the end, whatever I said was a mixture of the 4, and understood by noone. That's what you call diversity... I digress.
Once I moved into America, we first settled into a large neighborhood in Buford, GA. We had a massive house (well at least I think it was... to a 4 year old it was), great neighbors, and I went to this fun little montessori. I still remember the big kids used to come for the afterschool program. In my mind they were so old, thinking such complex thoughts. One little boy always used to tell me how old he was... everyday it went up in multiple of hundreds or even thousands. I thought it was the funniest thing I'd ever heard. Funny, the things your mind chooses to remember.
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