Do you ever wish you could get in a time machine and relieve moments of your past for just a day. Not go back and do it all over again, just certain moments. A certain birthday party you loved. Your first kiss. Time spent with old friends. Doing your favorite childhood activity. Meeting the love of your life for the first time. Your wedding day. Whatever it may be.
I wonder if they will ever make this a possibility. Sometimes I used to crave this so much it hurt. I read in a book once where someone described themselves as being "homesick for a home that no longer exists". This describes me so often prior to the move... so much.
The homesickness has dissipated a lot since moving to Panama. I think moving out of the country that I felt stole away my home made a big difference. I am shocked I didn't do it sooner.
Monday, January 11, 2010
Friday, January 8, 2010
Feeling sad...
I feel absolutely terrible that Coco has to leave. I know it's for the best. We made a mistake... a bad decision... and we are learning from it. That's experience right. "Good judgment comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgment." (Barry LePatner).
What's worse, is I feel selfish in my feeling bad. I don't feel bad for Coco, because she is going back to her mom and in all honestly will likely forget us very soon (part of the reason we made the decision so early on-- so it doesn't detrimentally affect her). M is fine, because he is so rational about these sort of things, that the emotional is nowhere near as heavy. The cats will be ecstatic. I feel sad because I feel like I failed. I wanted a puppy for so long... so long. And we got one, and it didn't work out. I feel it reflects on me somehow. It's my fault... I didn't think the decision through-- this is the honest to god truth. I let my desire trump logic and rationality.
I want to think of it as a learning experience, but right now I just feel like crap.
What's worse, is I feel selfish in my feeling bad. I don't feel bad for Coco, because she is going back to her mom and in all honestly will likely forget us very soon (part of the reason we made the decision so early on-- so it doesn't detrimentally affect her). M is fine, because he is so rational about these sort of things, that the emotional is nowhere near as heavy. The cats will be ecstatic. I feel sad because I feel like I failed. I wanted a puppy for so long... so long. And we got one, and it didn't work out. I feel it reflects on me somehow. It's my fault... I didn't think the decision through-- this is the honest to god truth. I let my desire trump logic and rationality.
I want to think of it as a learning experience, but right now I just feel like crap.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Before I die
This list is quite comprehensive.
I will do everything in my grasp to achieve. The couple I have done are struckthrough. Many are already in the books.
1.Swim with dolphins
2.Walk the Great Wall of China
3.Dive with sharks
4.Run the Virgin London Marathon
5.Visit Petra in Jordan
6.See the Northern Lights
7.Walk the Machu Picchu trail
8.Go on an African Safari
9.Float in the Dead Sea
10.Go whitewater rafting
11.Visit the Amazon Rainforest
12.Fire walking
13.Climb Sydney Harbour Bridge
14.Run with the bulls in Pamplona
15.Visit the Galapagos Islands
16.Ride on the Orient Express
17.Watch the sunset over Uluru (Ayers Rock)
18.Cycle a leg of the Tour de France
19.See an active volcano
20.Bungee jump in Queenstown, New Zealand
21.Drive a Formula One car
22.Fly in a helicopter over the Grand Canyon
23.Fly a fighter jet
24.Climb Mount Everest
25.Go into space
STEPS: 10666
Today was a difficult day emotionally. It looks like Coco may have to go back to her mommy. It's only been a week, and it's feels so unbelievably difficult. But she bit one of our cats. M and I always discussed that the cats right now are number one priority. Our cat is fine, but we spoke to a vet, some pet behavior specialists, and consulted the good old internet. After some bawling on my part, we had to make a decision that was the most fair and make it without emotion. Coco is unaware of her size and is just a baby. It wasn't her fault. But at the same time, we need to be realistic in how our lives will be right now given the situation. We can keep them constantly seperated, altering our cats lives (and most likely personalities) as well as not allowing Coco to live hers as full as she could another household. We can wait it out, but 3 months down the road if things are still difficult, they still don't get along-- that's when Coco would be very attached, and it would be a very very unfair decision on her part to give her up then. It's only been a week. She's not attached as yet-- it's just like pet sitting. We are blessed in that she came from a home with loving owners, who have had her mother for 5+ years... and they are able and willing to take her back.
It sucks... a lot... I spent the better part of this evening in tears. But it just seems like the best decision all around.
I hate this...
I will do everything in my grasp to achieve. The couple I have done are struckthrough. Many are already in the books.
1.
2.Walk the Great Wall of China
3.Dive with sharks
4.Run the Virgin London Marathon
5.Visit Petra in Jordan
6.
7.Walk the Machu Picchu trail
8.Go on an African Safari
9.Float in the Dead Sea
10.
11.Visit the Amazon Rainforest
12.Fire walking
13.Climb Sydney Harbour Bridge
14.Run with the bulls in Pamplona
15.Visit the Galapagos Islands
16.Ride on the Orient Express
17.Watch the sunset over Uluru (Ayers Rock)
18.Cycle a leg of the Tour de France
19.See an active volcano
20.Bungee jump in Queenstown, New Zealand
21.Drive a Formula One car
22.Fly in a helicopter over the Grand Canyon
23.Fly a fighter jet
24.Climb Mount Everest
25.Go into space
STEPS: 10666
Today was a difficult day emotionally. It looks like Coco may have to go back to her mommy. It's only been a week, and it's feels so unbelievably difficult. But she bit one of our cats. M and I always discussed that the cats right now are number one priority. Our cat is fine, but we spoke to a vet, some pet behavior specialists, and consulted the good old internet. After some bawling on my part, we had to make a decision that was the most fair and make it without emotion. Coco is unaware of her size and is just a baby. It wasn't her fault. But at the same time, we need to be realistic in how our lives will be right now given the situation. We can keep them constantly seperated, altering our cats lives (and most likely personalities) as well as not allowing Coco to live hers as full as she could another household. We can wait it out, but 3 months down the road if things are still difficult, they still don't get along-- that's when Coco would be very attached, and it would be a very very unfair decision on her part to give her up then. It's only been a week. She's not attached as yet-- it's just like pet sitting. We are blessed in that she came from a home with loving owners, who have had her mother for 5+ years... and they are able and willing to take her back.
It sucks... a lot... I spent the better part of this evening in tears. But it just seems like the best decision all around.
I hate this...
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Typical Day in Niki's Life
A friend of mine asked me to list out my day... It's different because I don't have a routine yet, considering I don't have a job. Maybe I will do this once a week to see if I can spot a pattern.
6:30 AM: Wake up
-get dressed in my "dog clothes" and put on step counter
-went downstairs to kitchen to feed Smokey and Mocha (cats) their wet food
-went back upstairs because Mocha didn't follow me down, and brought her down to eat
-got a dog treat and Coco's leash, and went up to Coco's room
-got slobbered on by Coco, made her sit (she just learned to sit on command yesterday!), gave her her treat
-carried Coco down the stairs (currently 20 lbs. at 14 weeks) because she is scared of the stairs
-brought her food and waterbowl to the back patio
7:00 AM: Woke up M
-brush teeth, use bathroom, put coffee on for M, do some fixing of hair and face
-sit on bed and chat with M/ pet cats as M gets ready
7:45 AM: M and I are both ready
-We walk downstairs, he says hello to Coco from a distance (doesn't want dog smell before work)
-M takes his coffee, I make Coco sit, give her a treat, put a leash on her, and walk to the front yard through the side door
-M locks up after me and leaves through the front
-Coco and I say bye to M
8:00 AM: Coco and I take a app. 1 mile walk
-I carry Coco part of the way, as 2 houses under construction scare her
-Coco gets tired and rests about half way through
8:30 PM: Wipe Coco's feet with towel
-barricade living room with couch and close kitchen door
-let Coco inside, hand her a toy, bring in her water bowl
-eat a yogurt and banana
-start working on the computer (and by working, I mean catching up with everything from the day before-- blogs, facebook, etc..)
9:30 AM: Put Coco and her water back outside, turn on fan
-go upstairs, put on pilates clothes
-drive to pilates
11:15 AM: Return home from pilates
-go upstairs and change into dog clothes
-come down, close kitchen door and allow Coco in kitchen as I make some food
-eat (Coco playing in kitchen with a toy)
11:45 AM: Bring my computer on the patio and sit with Coco
-work on my resume/ cover letters
-chat on msn
-study for recruitment tests
-study Spanish
12:45 PM: realize I forgot my step counter, go get it
-record morning steps on blog and write up till this point...
12:50 PM: bring Coco inside
-sit in the living room with Coco, do some training (Sit, stay)
-tinker around the internet, chat with M
1:30 PM: feed Coco
2:00 PM: my friend J calls and asks if she can bring her puppy (yorkie) by our house to play (we will be taking care of her Yorkie when they travel next week)
-do some dishes, straighten up the house
2:30 PM: take Coco outside
-bring the Yorkie and J out and introduce them (2nd time)
-do a little running around, playing... get them to interact
3:00 PM: chat with J
-make a white wine sangria and chat some more
-Coco and yorkie nap
4:30 PM: dogs wake up
-play with dogs, run around, fetch, etc.
5:00 PM: J leaves
-bring Coco inside to play, rest (she's a baby-- needs lots of sleep)
5:30 PM: M arrives back home
-spend some time with the cats so they don't feel left out
-calm Coco down-- very excited that M is home
6:00 PM: sit outside with M and Coco
-have a glass of red each and chat
-Coco gets over her excitement and sleeps some more
-put some special cream on Coco's legs where she is getting irritated from the way she sits
7:40 PM: M goes to shower
-feed Coco her dinner
-prepare our dinner (luckily we had some leftovers frozen from the holidays, easy peazy)
-record steps up till this point in blog
8:00 PM: eat dinner
8:30 PM: Take Coco out for a walk
-explore different areas of the neighborhood
-played with a lab in the neighborhood
9:30 PM: Came home from our VERY long walk
-took away Coco's water for the evening (so she doesn't have an accident at night)
-clean up the kitchen/ backyard a bit
9:45 PM: Talk with my parents on skype
10:15 PM: Finish up the blog post and hit the bed early
(Mithun is in charge of taking Coco to bed in the evenings-- lucky me!)
**wow, this became very detailed. gave me a project for the day-- I'm sure as the weeks go on, and Coco requires less attention, this won't be so long and boring :D**
Wake up (6:30 AM)- 9:40 AM-- 3670
*includes walk 1... taken off before pilates*
12:45 PM-7:40 PM- 7350
*forget to wear it from a couple hours after pilates*
7:40 PM- 10:15 PM- 11342
Just as a side note, please remember the number of miles is not literal distances, but steps I've taken, whether is be walking to the kitchen for water, or playing in the backyard with Coco.
6:30 AM: Wake up
-get dressed in my "dog clothes" and put on step counter
-went downstairs to kitchen to feed Smokey and Mocha (cats) their wet food
-went back upstairs because Mocha didn't follow me down, and brought her down to eat
-got a dog treat and Coco's leash, and went up to Coco's room
-got slobbered on by Coco, made her sit (she just learned to sit on command yesterday!), gave her her treat
-carried Coco down the stairs (currently 20 lbs. at 14 weeks) because she is scared of the stairs
-brought her food and waterbowl to the back patio
7:00 AM: Woke up M
-brush teeth, use bathroom, put coffee on for M, do some fixing of hair and face
-sit on bed and chat with M/ pet cats as M gets ready
7:45 AM: M and I are both ready
-We walk downstairs, he says hello to Coco from a distance (doesn't want dog smell before work)
-M takes his coffee, I make Coco sit, give her a treat, put a leash on her, and walk to the front yard through the side door
-M locks up after me and leaves through the front
-Coco and I say bye to M
8:00 AM: Coco and I take a app. 1 mile walk
-I carry Coco part of the way, as 2 houses under construction scare her
-Coco gets tired and rests about half way through
8:30 PM: Wipe Coco's feet with towel
-barricade living room with couch and close kitchen door
-let Coco inside, hand her a toy, bring in her water bowl
-eat a yogurt and banana
-start working on the computer (and by working, I mean catching up with everything from the day before-- blogs, facebook, etc..)
9:30 AM: Put Coco and her water back outside, turn on fan
-go upstairs, put on pilates clothes
-drive to pilates
11:15 AM: Return home from pilates
-go upstairs and change into dog clothes
-come down, close kitchen door and allow Coco in kitchen as I make some food
-eat (Coco playing in kitchen with a toy)
11:45 AM: Bring my computer on the patio and sit with Coco
-work on my resume/ cover letters
-chat on msn
-study for recruitment tests
-study Spanish
12:45 PM: realize I forgot my step counter, go get it
-record morning steps on blog and write up till this point...
12:50 PM: bring Coco inside
-sit in the living room with Coco, do some training (Sit, stay)
-tinker around the internet, chat with M
1:30 PM: feed Coco
2:00 PM: my friend J calls and asks if she can bring her puppy (yorkie) by our house to play (we will be taking care of her Yorkie when they travel next week)
-do some dishes, straighten up the house
2:30 PM: take Coco outside
-bring the Yorkie and J out and introduce them (2nd time)
-do a little running around, playing... get them to interact
3:00 PM: chat with J
-make a white wine sangria and chat some more
-Coco and yorkie nap
4:30 PM: dogs wake up
-play with dogs, run around, fetch, etc.
5:00 PM: J leaves
-bring Coco inside to play, rest (she's a baby-- needs lots of sleep)
5:30 PM: M arrives back home
-spend some time with the cats so they don't feel left out
-calm Coco down-- very excited that M is home
6:00 PM: sit outside with M and Coco
-have a glass of red each and chat
-Coco gets over her excitement and sleeps some more
-put some special cream on Coco's legs where she is getting irritated from the way she sits
7:40 PM: M goes to shower
-feed Coco her dinner
-prepare our dinner (luckily we had some leftovers frozen from the holidays, easy peazy)
-record steps up till this point in blog
8:00 PM: eat dinner
8:30 PM: Take Coco out for a walk
-explore different areas of the neighborhood
-played with a lab in the neighborhood
9:30 PM: Came home from our VERY long walk
-took away Coco's water for the evening (so she doesn't have an accident at night)
-clean up the kitchen/ backyard a bit
9:45 PM: Talk with my parents on skype
10:15 PM: Finish up the blog post and hit the bed early
(Mithun is in charge of taking Coco to bed in the evenings-- lucky me!)
**wow, this became very detailed. gave me a project for the day-- I'm sure as the weeks go on, and Coco requires less attention, this won't be so long and boring :D**
Wake up (6:30 AM)- 9:40 AM-- 3670
*includes walk 1... taken off before pilates*
12:45 PM-7:40 PM- 7350
*forget to wear it from a couple hours after pilates*
7:40 PM- 10:15 PM- 11342
Just as a side note, please remember the number of miles is not literal distances, but steps I've taken, whether is be walking to the kitchen for water, or playing in the backyard with Coco.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Frustration, Guilt, and Dissipation of Anger
They say animals are supposed to help with stress. Right now, Coco is my number one source of stress. I keep reminding myself that she is a puppy, just a baby. I actually think she will help with my anger.
My friend had a discussion on her FB status today regarding guilt vs. lust. My temptation to lose my temper is different than lust, but still plays a lot with guilt. I think I am a very guilty person by nature, and often times my anger will explode, and then the guilt sets in.
With Coco, my guilt comes before anger. I can feel myself getting frustrated and thus angry... but the guilt of her just being a puppy and really not knowing any better sets in. With that comes patience. This may not be the right order of things, but whatever it is, it's helping.
WALKING
Waking up- 9:15 AM--> 4800 steps
*above includes Coco's walk 1*
11:30 AM- 4:30 PM-- 9860 (wow!)
*includes from after returning home from appointment, walk 2 (more like a training session-- she was too hot to actually walk), and running some errands (in my dog clothes)*
4:30 PM- 11:50 PM-- 16216
*this includes everything up to my shower for the night... we had friends over with a dog of their own, so some additional running was involved*
Wow... that's approximately 8 miles today. I am impressed. Having a puppy definitely gets that cardio in. I wore it slightly more today, as I kept it on during some chores... let's see if this is "puupy stage" or if I'll continue. I can't really stop walking her-- as she gets bigger, she'll need lots of exercise. This is a good thing. :)
My friend had a discussion on her FB status today regarding guilt vs. lust. My temptation to lose my temper is different than lust, but still plays a lot with guilt. I think I am a very guilty person by nature, and often times my anger will explode, and then the guilt sets in.
With Coco, my guilt comes before anger. I can feel myself getting frustrated and thus angry... but the guilt of her just being a puppy and really not knowing any better sets in. With that comes patience. This may not be the right order of things, but whatever it is, it's helping.
WALKING
Waking up- 9:15 AM--> 4800 steps
*above includes Coco's walk 1*
11:30 AM- 4:30 PM-- 9860 (wow!)
*includes from after returning home from appointment, walk 2 (more like a training session-- she was too hot to actually walk), and running some errands (in my dog clothes)*
4:30 PM- 11:50 PM-- 16216
*this includes everything up to my shower for the night... we had friends over with a dog of their own, so some additional running was involved*
Wow... that's approximately 8 miles today. I am impressed. Having a puppy definitely gets that cardio in. I wore it slightly more today, as I kept it on during some chores... let's see if this is "puupy stage" or if I'll continue. I can't really stop walking her-- as she gets bigger, she'll need lots of exercise. This is a good thing. :)
Monday, January 4, 2010
Puppy Walking
I've decided to use a step counter to ensure I am walking my new puppy enough. I read online that 2000 steps is approximately 1 mile. I used to measure steps a few years ago, however once sandal season rolled around, my step counter just didn't work with the outfits anymore :D . Granted, in Panama it's always sandal season, but I will maintain the counter solely when I am in my "dog clothes" which, at the moment, include running shoes. Coco (puppy) is not well trained enough yet for me to be able to look good and walk her. One day, but certainly not today.
Walk 1--8AM: 2145 steps
*no counter for pilates class, and a quick run to the store afterwards (sandals :))*
Walk 2--3PM (short walk): 6031 steps
Walk 3-- 8PM: 9164 steps
*I want to post this now, so will stop counting*
It is said you should take 10000 steps in a day, so approximately 5 miles. This is the goal I had while working a desk job and attending school. I never reached it (lots of sitting!), but having a puppy makes the goal just look silly. I won't have a goal for this, this is purely interest.
How many steps do you take a day?
Walk 1--8AM: 2145 steps
*no counter for pilates class, and a quick run to the store afterwards (sandals :))*
Walk 2--3PM (short walk): 6031 steps
Walk 3-- 8PM: 9164 steps
*I want to post this now, so will stop counting*
It is said you should take 10000 steps in a day, so approximately 5 miles. This is the goal I had while working a desk job and attending school. I never reached it (lots of sitting!), but having a puppy makes the goal just look silly. I won't have a goal for this, this is purely interest.
How many steps do you take a day?
Sunday, January 3, 2010
New Year... New Blog
Can you believe it's a new year, and I've made less than 30 posts. That's not even 1 a week. That's pretty pathetic. I need some more accountability. I have decided to stop commenting on other blogs I frequent as anonymous, and start commenting with my blog URL. This might help me feel more as if the blog is giving me that release I'm looking for. You know what they say, sometime's it's good to know someone's listening.
I feel like being out of work for so long, coupled with living in a country where English is not the first language, has been quite crippling to my vocabulary. I cringe at some of my posts and struggle to find the right words to convey what I'm saying.
I need to start reading more, but unfortunately finding books in English has proven to be a daunting task. Furthermore, the lack of an organized mail system in the country, renders mail- order near to impossible.
My Resolutions (in no particular order)
1. Try to keep my temper under control. It's been going well, but I need to stop letting the little things get me.
2. Be conversationally fluent in Spanish by year-end.
3. Take a moment daily to soak it all in... how great everything is, and how bright the future looks.
4. Maintain touch with all the great people I've met over the years.
5. Stop biting my cuticles. It's getting embarrassing.
6. Make sure M is aware of how much I love and respect him, and how grateful I am to have him in my life. I take it for granted way too much.
These are a bundle of goals for the year, and goals for my life. I don't neccesarily think we should wait till New Years to make these, and will try and add more often.
I feel like being out of work for so long, coupled with living in a country where English is not the first language, has been quite crippling to my vocabulary. I cringe at some of my posts and struggle to find the right words to convey what I'm saying.
I need to start reading more, but unfortunately finding books in English has proven to be a daunting task. Furthermore, the lack of an organized mail system in the country, renders mail- order near to impossible.
My Resolutions (in no particular order)
1. Try to keep my temper under control. It's been going well, but I need to stop letting the little things get me.
2. Be conversationally fluent in Spanish by year-end.
3. Take a moment daily to soak it all in... how great everything is, and how bright the future looks.
4. Maintain touch with all the great people I've met over the years.
5. Stop biting my cuticles. It's getting embarrassing.
6. Make sure M is aware of how much I love and respect him, and how grateful I am to have him in my life. I take it for granted way too much.
These are a bundle of goals for the year, and goals for my life. I don't neccesarily think we should wait till New Years to make these, and will try and add more often.
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