Being alone.

I had an interesting revelation today. I hate to be alone. Now this I have known my entire live. I have an intense fear of being alone. But my revelation went beyond that. I’m uncomfortable by myself. I’m restless. I don’t know what to do. Being at home, and my fiancé is at work for the past 6 months has been an eye opener. The first 4 months not so much, as I had class 4 days a week, and he tends to work from home on Fridays, so I had some form of human interaction. These past 2 months however have been brutal. I kept thinking to myself, I have full days to kill... I do have 6 distance education (read: 0 interaction) courses, so I figured I can spend my morning doing some school work, and then get some wedding planning, cleaning, gym-ing, cooking... out of the way. School goes by fine, it provides me with focus for the first 3 to 4 hours of my day. And then I crash. I just cannot do it alone. If my fiancé was home, even sitting on the couch watching TV, I’d be above and beyond active- cleaning, making invitations, doing essays, cooking. It’s the company I crave. I don’t have the drive to do it alone.

Today, during a break from my school work, I sat by the window and looked onto the construction. I took note that all the construction workers are paired up at the very least, if not put into groups. I felt a pang of jealousy. What I loved most about my previous job was the interactions with [some] people, whether it be through our cubicle, in the lunchroom, or just on the instant messaging on the computers. It actually made me more productive. My desire, passion, efficiency, and productivity went down the tube (knowingly) when a new manager came in and pulled back on the reins on our normally sociable group. Suddenly 5 minute chats between cubes were frowned upon, and even a quick hello was done in the sneakiest manner. It became miserable. My colleagues and I became experts at the act of looking busy, as we tried to talk and catch up on one another’s lives. Not once, when we were a cohesive sociable group, did we fall behind on work, have a bad audit, and receive complaints. When our only source of release for the day was taken away, our work ethic went with it. Luckily I left before this became apparent. Anyways, I digress.

I’ve realized in life, I need to... must... be doing something where I have interaction with people. This doesn’t mean customer services. Not strangers... a culture where interaction, partnership, and cohesiveness are important. This is strange as I consider myself very shy and can feel lonely in the biggest of group... but I fear being alone. I can’t do it alone.

Recently, my fiancé and I had a conversation about police officers. He said they must always drive with a partner. Isn’t that wonderful? I thought it was. Even when in silence and while concentrating on the hardest of work, just the sheer thought that you have someone next to you is comforting. In my opinion.

This probably makes me a very lonely person.